Violence

So time for some venting. I've been worse but I've been better. You see, for the past week I have been both suicidal and homicidal. It's not a matter that I'm sick of living. Oddly enough it's a matter of... I simply want to kill someone. Really weird I know. It's kinda scary It's gotten bad to the point where... well I've ended up hitting my bf :/ Not like slapping him around, more like swaps across the back of the head or bopping the face. See normally I'll play like that but it won't be serious. But the difference is I don't realize that I'm doing it until after its done and I know I'm using it as a venting tool. That doesn't make it right, I'm well aware of that. Today I got fussed at about it really badly. It's not that I want to be doing this. It's just that involuntarily I'll want to hurt someone. Things like punching a pillow or killing in video games won't help. For some reason it just needs to be a body. I need to feel the soft flesh tearing. It's REALLY weird! I know I've always been a sadist but... it just scares me how the urges get stronger with age. I don't want to be a monster but at the same time the idea of harming others is VERY appealing. Gods if this purge shit is real then I'd want a volunteer -.-" 

I think it's just a matter of bottled up frustrations. You see, I started college last week, nothing different. It's my third semester after all. But you see, there are A LOT more people than previous ones. I mean A LOT. Like, at 8:30 AM the parking lot it packed. So this naturally gets me on edge. The classes I have this semester are typical ones (math, computer, theater and art history) so the rest of the students are stereotypical. 

Ok before I go any farther let me explain something here. Where I live there are a lot of black people and I don't mean just colored skin. I mean the ones that are dangerous and trashy. Now I am NOT racist!! I acknowledge that not all black people are like that. Hell, even some white people act like this! But I was just raised with the term "black" not meaning skin color but rather it translates into "black people who are no good like those thugs you see in rap videos" So PLEASE don't go thinking I mean all black people when I use that term ok?

So there are a good few of these black people in my classes. Obviously they look like hood winks so I'm on edge. Then there are the preppy looking people. I even saw an old bully from middle school. Gods I felt so angry when I saw her!! So this all might be a contribution to my anger.

Next is my bf. You see, before school started, I wanted to take a mini vacation. So my boyfriend and I took the long drive to New Orleans to just hang out for two days. I wanted to go to a waterpark but it's only open on weekends T_T We walked around SO much!! Well during the trip I noticed that he was a bit distant. Ok TMI moment here but kind of important. A couple has a hotel for a night, sex is such a stereotypical expectation it's not even funny. Well I got some fun stuff and packed it secretly wanting to have a special time. But we only did it like, once, maybe twice. And they were very short sessions. So that is an indicator for all couples who are sexually active: when the sex is bad something is wrong. The rest of the week he was just focusing on such pointless things. Will he be late for work (he's worrying about this hours before his shift), will he have enough money for the week (yeah, just pan how to spend it), etc. Such random things that don't need to be worried over. Well with him getting distant I naturally got scared that our relationship was going sour again. I didn't want that, I really don't. We have finally begun to pick things up and I want things to stay that way. So I guess hitting him like that was my way of saying "please look at me! I need help!" I mean, I had told him how much bloodlust I was feeling and he really didn't say anything. But he had time to worry about being late 3hr before his shift? It just got me mad. 

Well, I'm feeling cheerful now so I'm good at the moment. Still, I know things haven't been solved. I've just had a crying spell and then slept it off. I'm waiting for it to come back :/